My College Roommate

More cat-related activities

2007-01-08T20:10:00.000-08:00

Sauci (to cat): Go find a mate! Go find a mate!
XL: Glitterbelt is here.
Sauci: Oh Glitterbelt! Glitterbelt, we need your penis!
Glitterbelt: Uuuuhh...
XL (heads back to her room): It's your cue to leave when Glitterbelt starts having sex with the cat.
Glitterbelt: Uhhhh, I'm allergic to cats.

************

Sauci (to cat): Have some catnip. Here you go, girl. Gets you high, makes you feel better.
(to me): The cat really wants to be fucked.

The feline is a harlot

2007-01-08T18:27:00.000-08:00

Sauci: 'You don't want to have babies. trust me. you'll get fat and no one will like you. they'll be like, why are you an unwed mother? you're a harlot.'
(To a cat in heat)

****************

Sauci: Yes. Let the catnip release your horniness.
(presumably to the same cat)

Stewie, master of irony

2006-12-19T20:28:00.000-08:00

chachapuma: [referring to last blog post] wow, stewie hates everyone.
akapana: yeah, he's an equal opportunity racist.
chachapuma: how ironic.

Standard IM convo highlights

2006-12-18T15:56:00.000-08:00

requisite racial/ethnic commentary:

stewie: red head irish people here are so ugly
stewie: look like potoatoes with red mold on them

...

requisite violent fantasy:

stewie: ive always wanted to use a hammer and claw someone's eye out and dig the hammerhook into some guys socket

All evidence clearly suggests that they don't have opposable thumbs

2006-12-15T21:15:00.000-08:00

stewie: omg, i hate these affirmative action hires
stewie: have you seen that fat security guard who walks like this? [walks like an obese penguin]
stewie: he shuffles

...

stewie: sometimes i wonder if they have opposable thumbs
akapana: haha. that wasn't horrible or anything.
stewie: no, seriously. i asked her to open the door for me and she wouldn't do it

Maybe he got thrown off by the "And a whip that cracks" line

2006-12-13T21:27:00.000-08:00

stewie: hey what kind of song is this?
akapana: what do you mean?
stewie: are you listening to black plantation slave music?
akapana: no. this is "up on the rooftop".
stewie: are you sure?
akapana: it's a pretty classic christmas song.
stewie: never mind.

the sound of Silence

2006-12-13T18:57:00.000-08:00

Chachapuma: Silence doesn't like salt, or sugar.
Akapana: Or sex. Which means she's evolutionarily designed to DIE.

Final exams email from Stewie

2006-12-13T16:06:00.000-08:00

"I am doing worse right now than an affirmative action admit at UC Berkeley in computer science."

It was really plum sauce

2006-12-12T07:12:00.000-08:00

sauci [pointing at wet spot on bed sheet, where akapana had wiped up fallen chinese food during eating-on-bed incident]: ewwww!
akapana: no, no, not what you think. we were eating chinese food and some spilled on the bed so i wiped it off.
sauci: oh. chinese food. kinky.
chachapuma: no really, it was plum sauce.
sauci [to akapana]: ohhhh. so that's what your people call it.

Glitter Belt

2006-12-11T17:17:00.000-08:00

we call Silence's boyfriend 'Glitter Belt.'

Yes, he has one, and wears it. It's rainbow. We're taking bets as to whether this is actually a cover relationship.

Once, when Glitter Belt was drunk, Sauci asked, 'So Glitter Belt, how's your sex life?' He responded, 'Nonexistant.' Then he puked into the sink. For another 4 hours.

a girl who knows what she wants

2006-12-11T16:53:00.000-08:00

Sauci: It's such a role reversal. He's so proper and polite. He's all like, may I have the honor of serving you some wasabi mashed potatoes? And I'm all like, no, but i will take a nice helping of your virginity, hottie.

We all love Lucy

2006-12-11T16:41:00.000-08:00

XL: my boobs are different sizes --the left one's a C, and the right one's a D-- and their names reflect their different personalities. i named the right one one Lucy because she's cute and perky and gets me into trouble, and i named the left one Ethyl because she's saggy and ugly and follows Lucy around.

COMING SOON!: Stewie's Artwork Gallery

2006-12-11T15:36:00.000-08:00

it's in the works. get excited.

It's scary when you understand someone this well

2006-12-10T10:28:00.000-08:00

akapana: stewie wouldn't steal my money, he's got more money than god...he'd burn his money in front of me before he'd steal mine.
chachapuma: wouldn't he rather burn his money in front of black people?

We have a No Pregnancy sign

2006-12-09T10:04:00.000-08:00

XL: I've gained 10 lbs this semester and have cellulite on my stomach. Look! If I stick my belly out, I look PREGNANT. It's immaculate conception! I'm the not-quite-virgin mary.
Chachapuma: No pregnancy in here! I put up the No Pregnancy sign.
XL: You can't GET pregnant. Your body is too tiny to support a fetus. When you're a size two or smaller, you're like built-in birth control.

......................

XL: So i know this woman back in Utah who is huge, like 250 lbs, and has 8 children. Yes, she's Mormon. And she told me that if I ever want to lose weight, I should just get pregnant.
Chachapuma: Uh, I don't think it works like that.
XL: She says she loses weight every time, what with all the throwing up and stuff. So I guess that's always an option.

yes.

2006-12-09T10:02:00.000-08:00

XL: you know, it kind of weirds me out to think of doing anything sexual with you, because you call me 'bro.' Are you attracted to me because you think I look like a man?

she thinks i'm crazy

2006-12-04T18:46:00.000-08:00

XL: don't get me started on YOUR weird habits! last night I listened to you talk to yourself for half an hour.
Chachapuma: What?
XL: yeah, you had a conversation with yourself for like, 20 minutes. I couldn't hear what you were saying, but there was no one else talking.
Chachapuma: i was on the phone.
XL: Oh.

Sweatshirt addiction

2006-12-02T16:46:00.000-08:00

Akapana: "For some reason, I'm addicted to ordering American Apparel sweatshirts online. I don't know why. I just keep doing it."

in permanent marker?

2006-12-01T18:12:00.000-08:00

Chachapuma: purple (the one you think is ugly) is on a match.com
Chachapuma: she got some guy to IM her, and they've been talking all night
Chachapuma: he must have some wild defect
ILikeClowns: EEEE. Yah, i don't know
ILikeClowns: i don't know what's wrong with her face
ILikeClowns: i hate it
ILikeClowns: so much
ILikeClowns: it just has "BITCH" written all over it

interesting power dynamic...

2006-12-01T17:08:00.000-08:00

XL: Who called it. All hail XL, she's a genius. All hail XL. SAY IT. SAY IT!
Purple: All hail XL.

Out of spite?

2006-11-30T15:03:00.000-08:00

stewie [while caressing his acne-less face with a l'oreal acne pad]: can i have some of your acne pills?
me: no, but why?
stewie: i want to give them to some pregnant women. [he found out recently that the pills cause serious birth defects if ingested by pregnant women]

Bra party

2006-11-30T14:44:00.000-08:00

XL: 'i am NEVER TAKING THIS BRA OFF. OMG, this is bra is so soft. it feels like my boobs are floating in a perpetual field of flowers.
Sauci: let me try it on! *tries it on* oooh, i look so PERKY!

You mean, a unibaby?

2006-11-30T14:42:00.000-08:00

Roomie: “Yeah, I forgot there was even a baby in here. She wasn’t an evil baby. Not like one of those babies with one eyebrow.”

Choosy gals

2006-11-29T21:38:00.000-08:00

Sauci: He has a thiiiiing for you. And a peeeeenis.
Purple: I swear, if he asks my my major or where I'm from one more time, I'm going to slap him.
Sauci: Less talking, more making out. You'll feel much better.
Purple: Physically, he's fine. Mentally, I'm not sure he's all there.
Me: So you're saying he's a go.
Purple: Yeah, pretty much.

Not bred for brains

2006-11-29T17:39:00.000-08:00

XL *pokes at wire in hall*: what is this? I see Schrodi playing with it all the time.
me: I'm hoping he doesn't electrocute himself.
XL (to my siamese cat): I'm opposed to purebreds because of you. You're lucky you only have one head. You're a mutant.
me: yeah, he's kind of stupid.
XL (again to my cat): i come from people like you.
me: you're Siamese?
XL: no. inbred. my great-uncle slept with his niece and they had a baby.

About the author:

2006-11-29T06:51:00.000-08:00

Akapana: " we both realized that we're taking insane amounts of risk this semester... me by starting a company, and him by... just being a closeted homosexual."

Akapana: blllllaaaaaah i just spilled an entire bottle of powerade on my carpet
Akapana: grrrrrr
Akapana: oh it'll dry up
Akapana: gnight

I guess it saves his delicate arms

2006-11-25T18:20:00.000-08:00

[me (coming back from taking out the trash): why would someone leave trash right next to the trash chute as opposed to in it?]

"oh that's me."

[me: you know, that really pisses people off.]

"they're called slaves. that's what they're paid to do."

Yeah, that makes sense

2006-11-25T13:37:00.000-08:00

[reading a news story]

"oh my god, some father beat his 3 month son to death."

[me: wow.]

[he continues to read story]

"oh, that explains it. he's a wetback."

[me: wow.]

"what did you expect? that's what wetbacks do."

Mini-hims = God's gift to humanity

2006-11-20T18:47:00.000-08:00

"i want soooo many kids. the world would be so much better with more me's."

I'll let you know when he buys a spandex body suit

2006-11-19T18:22:00.000-08:00

"wrestlers have the best bodies. if i could have a wrestler's body....ooooh. or a dancer's. dancers have good bodies too."

The only question he's asked me this weekend

2006-11-19T17:16:00.000-08:00

"should i replace 'gap' with 'gay'?"

[pointing to a "gay fruit fly essay" he's working on on the computer for his "gay TA", specifically at the sentence, "A large gap still exists between the phenotypic and genetic cause of the fruitless gene."]

ignore this post

2006-11-19T14:38:00.000-08:00

this is not a usual roomie quote blog entry, but i can't help but laugh and point out the fact that blogger thinks "blog" is a misspelling.

If you've been reading this blog you'd know why this is funny

2006-11-19T14:35:00.000-08:00

"i just read an article about a new study that found that chimpanzees can use words but that they don't understand grammar."

[running into room and smiling (freakishly widely)]

He's going to get me killed

2006-11-14T11:19:00.000-08:00

"what kind of restaurant closes at 9 pm??"

[asking himself rhetorically after we got locked out of a west philly restaurant at a quarter to 9]

"oh, that's right, a restaurant in negroidtown."

[answering himself out loud]

...

2006-11-14T11:03:00.000-08:00

"let's go, i'm bored. there's no blood."

[stated seconds after he had convinced me to cross the street with him to see a drunk man lying on the sidewalk and surrounded by cops and an ambulence]

Deliciously. Wow.

2006-11-14T11:00:00.000-08:00

"i feel like i'm in National Geographic."

[said while waiting for a subway train in philly and observing the passengers]

"this is so deliciously ethnic!"

[said while getting onto train]

He wants himself for his brain too

2006-11-13T09:56:00.000-08:00

"i love my writing. it's so beautiful."

[said as he held up a letter he had just written for me to admire]

He wants himself for his body

2006-11-07T10:35:00.000-08:00

"i had a dream last night that i was a body builder and i was kissing my muscles."

(with his g string)

2006-11-02T19:23:00.000-08:00

"i would smother a baby if it got me the right job."

He probably just wanted to clog my roomie's arteries faster

2006-10-30T20:19:00.000-08:00

"a black man ruined my macchiato at starbucks."

[me: how?]

"he made me a caramel machiato instead of a regular machiato and so added like 1,000 extra calories."

Hmmmmmm...why would he say that?

2006-10-30T20:17:00.000-08:00

"i want a job that makes my dick feel big."

Pretty accurate observation

2006-10-30T20:13:00.000-08:00

"i love south park. cartman speaks for me."

The roomie likes the nuts and the nuts like him

2006-10-29T21:21:00.000-08:00

"would you accept the help of someone who's sexually attracted to you if they can help you get a position?"

[me: position as in for a job? in their office?]

"yeah."

[me: probably not a good idea.]

"because there's this guy who's offering me a job."

[me: *lol*]

[a couple minutes pass]

"do you want some nuts? i have a craving for some honey-roasted nuts."

[me: no thanks]

[he leaves to go buy some nuts for himself to statisfy his nut-craving]

Saw 3 turns him on

2006-10-29T20:31:00.000-08:00

*hyperventilating, letting out little, bizzare, high-pitched, hamster-wheezing guttural screams of joy, and clapping*

[every time something especially violent happened on-screen]

[me, after: why do you like movies like that so much?]

"they make me happy."

Scary because he's serious

2006-10-29T20:28:00.000-08:00

"i want to put a cat in a microwave."

[me: why tf would you want to do that?]

"to hear it gurgle as its blood boils."

"i tried searching for microwave cat videos on youtube, but didn't find any ."

You probably had to be there to get this

2006-10-26T21:51:00.000-07:00

"teach for america."

[said with utter disgust. he got an email from them. he thinks they're the scum of the earth. damn those bastard volunteers who teach poor inner-city kids how to read and write. ]

My roommate came out of the closet in the worst way possible

2006-10-24T15:18:00.000-07:00

[me: mango lasi is really good. i'll make you some some time.]

"ewwwww. i've had that stuff before. it's like this runny yogurt mango drink. i was like 'what is this cheap indian shit!!?'."

[me: well, i think it's good..]

"it tastes like semen."

Just discussing the dog diapers would have been better

2006-10-22T17:32:00.000-07:00

"come look at this, it's a dog diaper!"

[shows me a photo on the web of a dog wearing a diaper; i didn't want to get him even more excited so i didn't ask why he was looking at dogs wearing diapers in the first place.]

[me: wow, that's probably pretty gross]

"did i tell you i made a chicken diaper before?"

[me: what??]

"yeah, i had chickens running around in the house so i taped their asses shut with tape."

I thought Prada made clothes

2006-10-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

"oh, i have to go moisturize."

[he then proceeds to smother his face with prada "hydrating fluid/body" lotion while telling me how important it is for me to find a girlfriend with wide hips.]

Hope he doesn't mind when the 17 bags show up on ebay tonight

2006-10-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

"i think i buy stuff when i'm feeling lonely."

[me: what do you mean?]

[he shows me a black bag]

"$1,400, prada"

[me: *mentally barfing*]

[he shows me another, identical bag]

"i already have the exact same one but i got another anyway."

[me: *mentally barfing*]

"i have 17 black prada bags."

[me: *mentally barfing*....it's hard to talk when someone tells you this, don't blame me for not saying something clever. and yes, he's being 100% serious.]

I should have asked 'you mean suicidal self-racist closeted people?'

2006-10-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

"have i ever told you that my people disgust me?"

[me: your people? you mean chinese people?]

"yes."

[me: what'd they do?]

"this is like the crapiest piece of furniture i've ever bought"

[background: he bought an ikea filing cabinet today, made in china.]

No

2006-10-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

"imagine putting a fetus in a blender...hahaha....zzzzzzzrrrrrrrzrrz"

Moron

2006-10-13T15:57:00.000-07:00

"i want a hot and homely girl."

OMG, he likes a girl

2006-10-09T21:41:00.000-07:00

"ewwww! the girl i like is a lesbian."

[me: what? sweet. how do you know?]

"what does it mean if a girl says she's 'in a relationship' with another girl on facebook?"

[me: oh, that's usually just a joke]

[5 minute pause]

"what does it mean if a guy says he's 'in a relationship' with another guy on facebook?"

[me: uh, that could also be a joke]

"why are people so at ease with this kind of thing in america?....oh, i guess it's because you believe in human rights here."

[background: we got in a debate about the existence of human rights last night. btw, his argument is that they don't exist.]

On death

2006-10-08T17:57:00.000-07:00

"i hope he made money."

[discussing anna nicole smith's son's recent death]

...

"i watched this video that some guy videotaped of him shooting his own head off. his brains and blood splashed everywhere. i like people like that."

Typical Wharton-student-from-China quote

2006-10-07T20:15:00.000-07:00

[me: hey, it was the chinese moon festival last night!]

"i don't care. it doesn't make me any money."

Guess that means he knows black history

2006-10-04T21:44:00.000-07:00

"i took the train today to get to work and i swear i was on hariet tubman's underground railroad."

That's what HE said

2006-10-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

[what i heard coming from my roommate's bedroom]

"oooohhh. oooooooh! my ass!.....this feels so good!"

[background: he just got a memory foam mattress and decided to test it on his ass first. sorry it wasn't something more exciting.]

Black is his favorite color (for real)

2006-10-01T21:26:00.000-07:00

[me: the lady at the wawa deli counter just asked me what number i was five different times within less than 5 minutes]

"was she black?"

Abuse! Abuse!!!!

2006-10-01T20:58:00.000-07:00

"like this."

[demonstrating on me how he played footsies with some girl in class who he hasn't talked to for 3 years since.]

Stop the trauma

2006-09-30T17:23:00.000-07:00

"you know what was really traumatizing for me growing up? the dove 'real beauty' campaign. i just saw those cottage cheese legs and...oh my god...."

I'm getting ready to refer him to Counseling & Psychological Services

2006-09-27T20:12:00.000-07:00

"there's nothing in here! my forehead is hot!"

[said upon randomly grabbing a glass coke bottle i had just finished drinking from my hands and placing the bottom of the bottle on his forehead, followed shortly by dropping it in disgust due to its emptiness.]

Al-Quaida nannies. I bet that's the first time anyone wrote those two words together.

2006-09-24T22:29:00.000-07:00

[me: did you have a black nanny?]

"no! oh my god. no way in hell. we'd rather have hired an islamist radical extremist nanny than hire a black nanny any day."

[background: he's had 9 nannies over the course of his life]

You're saying that because you like fried chicken & watermelon, right?

2006-09-24T22:21:00.000-07:00

"i look forward to the day when i'm at an upscale party and a black couple comes in and brings fried chicken and watermelon."

Good with animals. When they're dead.

2006-09-20T23:29:00.000-07:00

"did i ever tell you how i put my pet cat on a choke chain before?"

[me: what's a choke chain?]

"i put a chain around its neck like a noose and pulled it tight and it walked around making choking noises."

"also, i didn't like to cut its nails so i'd throw it against a concrete wall over and over again so it'd scratch them down itself"

.....

"i've always wanted to flush a rat down the toilet. just to watch it."

[me: why, so you can see if it can fight the current?]

"yeah."

.....

"i had a pet turtle once. oh, but it died after i cooked it to death."

[i swear, he really said that]

Just us, for sure.

2006-09-20T23:09:00.000-07:00

[complaining that our shower has a hot water handle and a cold water handle]:

"who the hell has a shower with 2 handles???"

Except you might be gay

2006-09-20T22:51:00.000-07:00

[talking about himself]:

"i would be perfect for a girl who has a father complex but without the hangups of an older man"

[ok, to be fair, he was quoting a girl talking about him, so this is a quote of a quote, but let's just pretend he came up with that himself]

Psst...they sell rue at the farmer's market

2006-09-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

[after hearing about a news story from the associated press about 2 parents from Maine who tied up the hands and feet of their 19 yr old daughter and drove her to New Hampshire in an attempt to force her to get an abortion after she got pregnant by a black man]:

"her parents are so stupid! if she were my kid i would have just slipped some abortion inducing herbs in her food."

So if we got windows with bars on them it'd be like the zoo?

2006-09-14T23:28:00.000-07:00

[comes into my room and looks out the window]:

"I'm afraid that black people are going to crawl into our window..."

[me: uhhh...we live on the 2nd floor]:

"my father says they have the strongest climbing muscles"

[me: why?]:

"because they're like chimpanzees"

You frickin commie!

2006-09-10T09:06:00.000-07:00

[after some chick with a Russian accent in the elevator makes fun of him for taking the elevator up 1 story to the 2nd floor where he lives]:

"proletariat bitch. she should go back to her money laundering country."

That's hot

2006-09-01T17:53:00.000-07:00

[just randomly pacing back and forth and fanning his face with his hand]:

"i'm having hot flashes"

My College Roommate

More cat-related activities

The feline is a harlot

Stewie, master of irony

Standard IM convo highlights

All evidence *clearly* suggests that they don't have opposable thumbs

Maybe he got thrown off by the "And a whip that cracks" line

the sound of Silence

Final exams email from Stewie

It was really plum sauce

Glitter Belt

a girl who knows what she wants

We all love Lucy

COMING SOON!: Stewie's Artwork Gallery

It's scary when you understand someone this well

We have a No Pregnancy sign

yes.

she thinks i'm crazy

Sweatshirt addiction

in permanent marker?

interesting power dynamic...

Out of spite?

Bra party

You mean, a unibaby?

Choosy gals

Not bred for brains

About the author:

I guess it saves his delicate arms

Yeah, that makes sense

Mini-hims = God's gift to humanity

I'll let you know when he buys a spandex body suit

The only question he's asked me this weekend

ignore this post

If you've been reading this blog you'd know why this is funny

He's going to get me killed

...

Deliciously. Wow.

He wants himself for his brain too

He wants himself for his body

(with his g string)

He probably just wanted to clog my roomie's arteries faster

Hmmmmmm...why would he say that?

Pretty accurate observation

The roomie likes the nuts and the nuts like him

Saw 3 turns him on

Scary because he's serious

You probably had to be there to get this

My roommate came out of the closet in the worst way possible

Just discussing the dog diapers would have been better

I thought Prada made clothes

Hope he doesn't mind when the 17 bags show up on ebay tonight

I should have asked 'you mean suicidal self-racist closeted people?'

No

Moron

OMG, he likes a girl

On death

Typical Wharton-student-from-China quote

Guess that means he knows black history

That's what HE said

Black is his favorite color (for real)

Abuse! Abuse!!!!

Stop the trauma

I'm getting ready to refer him to Counseling & Psychological Services

Al-Quaida nannies. I bet that's the first time anyone wrote those two words together.

You're saying that because you like fried chicken & watermelon, right?

Good with animals. When they're dead.

Just us, for sure.

Except you might be gay

Psst...they sell rue at the farmer's market

So if we got windows with bars on them it'd be like the zoo?

You frickin commie!

That's hot

All evidence clearly suggests that they don't have opposable thumbs